I know I haven’t written in quite a while. I was just texting a friend and was explaining why I thought that was – my mom’s cancer diagnosis then shortly after her last treatment in January, COVID happened. What a year it’s been.
Something else I was just thinking as I texted that friend was – nothing replaces family. I’ve learned that the hard way this past year. Also realizing that I’ve taken my amazing family for granted unintentionally.
Days after my last blog entry, my godfather/uncle died. Uncle Joe. It wasn’t COVID we don’t think, but he quite literally dropped dead one morning as he was getting ready for work. Joe was like me – said what he thought (ok probably more than I do lol) was always running late to wherever he was supposed to be, and could make anyone laugh – even though it may be at your expense!
Something strangers wouldn’t know about Joe is what a heart of gold he had. He was such a good person and would do anything for you. He was also compassionate and believed that everyone was special and important. His baby sister, Sue, had downs syndrome. He never treated her differently, which I know aggravated her lol. Everyone always catered to Sue and would make sure she was always happy and taken care of. Joe on the other hand would be like “Sue, go get it yourself” or “Are your legs broken? Did you even work today? I’m tired – why don’t you go get us a couple of beers”. For a long time I was like, ‘why is he so mean to her?’ but then I realized that’s how he showed that he loved her.
For a long time I was intimidated by Joe. He was a country boy, through and through. Hearing his stories of the fights he got into as a kid made me think, I don’t ever wanna cross him lol. So, I never came out to him or talked about my sexuality. Of course he and the rest of the family figured it out once I told my parents and brought boyfriends to holiday gatherings. Here was the shocker: aside from my parents, siblings and their spouses, Joe and his wife Sandi were the only ones that attended my wedding reception. It was planned to be a small wedding reception anyway, so didn’t expect the almost 100 family members to show up, but I did want my aunts and uncles there…but others didn’t show, and even said some very hurtful things in declining the invite which made me realize how unaccepting they were at probably the worst time to tell me that. Side note: don’t tell your nephew that you’ve been praying for me and that you wouldn’t be attending because you don’t agree with my “lifestyle”. At least if you do tell him that, give him a clue of where you stand before he gets married. There are tons of other times to bring that shit up.
So, the point of rambling about my wedding reception and Joe’s attendance is – he was so open-minded. He didn’t care that I was gay and was actually being supportive by showing up. Of course the day of the reception was crazy and I didn’t have time to really reflect on that at the time. My dad told me later how cool it was that Joe came, going on and on about how much Joe loved me and how he wasn’t judgmental. That really stuck with me. Sometimes you just have to have someone tell you the obvious when you don’t see it for yourself, you know?
So, back to April 2020. Joe had passed away. I didn’t attend the funeral because we stilll knew so little about COVID and I couldn’t bare the thought of potentially getting someone sick if I was asymptomatic…especially my own mother. I stayed home and mourned via a Zoom funeral which was just brutal.
In June, my siblings (with approval of my parents) said “screw this” and got together for a week with my parents at their house in Oklahoma. Luckily, no one got sick and that all ended well. It was great to see family and be able to hug my parents. I won’t forget when I saw my dad, I hugged him and he thanked me for coming, and started to cry. My dad is an emotional person, but not that emotional. I was just as happy to see him, but it goes to show how hard the pandemic had been on all of us over the course of just 3 months. That was the last time I got to hug my mom, dad, or any of my family. June 2020.
We didn’t have a family Thanksgiving, Christmas, or annual tradition of celebrating my brothers’ January birthdays that while years apart, are only a day apart on the calendar. Everything has been Zoom.
Then late January my aunt Sue died. I cried out of mourning, then cried out of anger. In that moment I realized I’d never ‘angry cried’ before. A good friend told me I was lucky for that. No one should have to lose a loved one during a pandemic like this. It isn’t fair. That is a time when families should be together, love on each other and support each other. I said “screw COVID” and went to the funeral, masked up with hand sanitizer in tow. My family has several nurses and so it was a definitely a COVID-safe funeral. Assigned seating at the church with masks, no hugging as hard as it was, no after service gathering. I was able to visit Joe’s grave after Sue’s burial so that was good but made grieving that day a little harder at the end.
The vaccine has finally started to become available to the rest of the country, not just health care workers. My parents and husband are both fully vaccinated and I get my second shot on March 22! I’m going home to see my parents on March 20 and I cannot wait. I miss them so much and cannot wait to hug and kiss them again. My brother, sister-in-law and nephew live 40 min away and see them often so they will join us too. I’m absolutely thrilled!
It’s finally the start to a new normal. I never in my life would have thought this is how 2020 and the start of 2021 would go, but am thankful to be turning a corner.