As I start to write, I think to myself – is this even the right place for these types of personal thoughts? I mean, I started this blog to document my cycling and now it’s morphed into more than that. I’ve deliberately avoided posting personal “life” stuff here, but seems I need an outlet for that too. Instead of creating another blog, you’ll just have to deal with it. You’re welcome! Ha.
Well, it should come as no surprise that a lot has happened since I last wrote here. I mean hell, that was March 2021 and now we’re headed into Christmas season. Where did the year go? Seems like we just skipped over 2020 and rolled into a rebound of a mess for 2021. *Takes sip of tea*
I’ve had a pretty tough 2021. I learned a lot about myself. I learned what I wanted from my life. I learned that I was living a lifestyle that was unsustainable. Some of this I learned all on my own; some with the help of some good people. It all started with the phrase “Happy people don’t do what you’re doing.”
I’d heard similar things before, but usually said out of jealousy, sarcasm, envy and the like. But this time it was different. Probably because it was coming from someone I respected, trusted and was very smart. I didn’t say much in the moment, but that set several reflections in motion for the months to come. The months following were full of deep thought, tears, fear, stress, and several other emotions. All this had everything to do with me and my marriage…was it still right? Was I ever going to be able to get what I wanted out of that relationship? Did I even know how to articulate what I needed or had I been doing that wrong for years?
Fast forward a bit and I decided I needed to talk to someone. Someone without bias that could give me a truly objective opinion. So I sought out a therapist – which if you haven’t ever had a therapist, now that I have one, I’d highly recommend it. After a couple of discussions and homework assignments, I realized that I needed to take control of my life. A life that had been spiraling out of control for the last few years if we’re being totally honest. After several discussions with my therapist and others in my support system, I knew it was time to make a change. A change for myself – and my own life. I needed to ask for a divorce from the man I’d spent the last 15 years of my life with.
What’s funny is that going into all of this, I was most concerned with his feelings and how he would react to such a request. My main concern was to not inflict pain or hurt on him, without really thinking too much about the pain I’d inflict on myself as a result. It’s not a contest, but I’d say that I wound up more hurt in all of this – but that’s just because I do my best to live out my life like a Hallmark movie, so that’s totally my bad.
It’s probably the ‘planner’ in me, but I knew if I was going to make this change, I needed to do it soon before I had a total meltdown. I didn’t want to roll into the holiday season where families eagerly await their loved ones to show up at their door to celebrate their love for each other. I wasn’t sure when I was going to do it, but after going to a wedding, that’s all I needed. By the way, if you’re ever unsure of the fate of your relationship, go to a wedding and just see how you feel after. Things are pretty clear when you do something like that.
The weekend following the wedding, I sat down with my husband and told him how I’d felt and even still had a difficult time uttering the words to end the relationship. He had to say them for me, asking if that’s what I wanted. I cried. Hard. It hurt so much. It’s really difficult to share your honest feelings when you’ve suppressed them for so long, especially with someone you love.
After the conversation, I got up and left the room to pack a bag. While packing, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Pale as a dead man is how I’d describe my appearance. I don’t think I have ever looked worse in my life – and that’s not an exaggeration at all. Once packed, I walked around the house like a zombie until I left the house. I looked in the living room to see what he was doing. He was on Facebook. Fucking Facebook. Whatever.
A couple days later we sat down again to talk. It was a very calm and civil conversation, we were really good at those honestly. That’s when we decided to go our separate ways in the most fair and respectful way possible. The split was fair and pretty smooth, all things considered. The divorce was final within a month and a half of the first conversation and the house was sold at the same time. He’s now living in a duplex in Kansas and I’m in an apartment about 10 miles south of where we lived. I’m in a new city I’ve never lived in, nor spent much time at all in, so that’s a new experience for sure. I’ll get used to it soon enough but getting my own apartment in order has been a greater challenge than I imagined. I was used to someone taking care of me for the last 15 years. So doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, decorating…I wasn’t quite prepared for that. But I’ve done it…well not totally done yet, but am doing it I should say. Still need a couple of pieces of furniture then I can really dig in to wall art and other decor to make this place my own, fully.
Aside from being an emotional human, you may be wondering why I decided to write tonight. I got two cards in the mail today: one from my brother and one from my cousin; both letting me know that they are thinking of me and love me, which brought me to tears. Perhaps because I was caught off guard in thinking they were going to be Christmas cards, or perhaps the fact that they took the time to get a card, write in it, and mail it. In 2021 that’s not something that happens every day.
I do have some good things happening in my life, but I’ll save that for another time.