Category: Life

No, I didn’t get a car lol. This is about something a little different – I just didn’t want a depressing title for this entry.

When you get exciting news like this from someone you love, your first instinct is to share it with someone that also knows the person, right? You don’t go and tell strangers that your nephew got his first car. I mean, they may be excited but at the same time, people get cars all the time. It matters more when people know the story about your family and better yet, know your family.

So as you guessed it, my nephew got his first car lol. I’m super excited for him because I remember that feeling. The feeling of freedom when you waited SO long for that freedom. Being able to go anywhere you want, pick up your friends, go out for a Sonic drink, go to a party, or maybe even get into a little bit of trouble (c’mon you all know how that goes).

Tonight when I got this news, I thought of some people to share it with – but aside from other family members that already know this news, I thought of my ex. The man I shared 15 years of my life with – and honestly if my nephew is of driving age now, also knew him as he grew up. I decided to send the text with an exciting message, and immediately thought to myself – does he even care about this? Is he just going to roll his eyes and think, why in the world are you sharing this with me? Is the message going to be an annoyance?

As I expected, he had a very kind reply. It just feels weird…and yes, I got emotional about this silly exchange.

As I start to write, I think to myself – is this even the right place for these types of personal thoughts? I mean, I started this blog to document my cycling and now it’s morphed into more than that. I’ve deliberately avoided posting personal “life” stuff here, but seems I need an outlet for that too. Instead of creating another blog, you’ll just have to deal with it. You’re welcome! Ha.

Well, it should come as no surprise that a lot has happened since I last wrote here. I mean hell, that was March 2021 and now we’re headed into Christmas season. Where did the year go? Seems like we just skipped over 2020 and rolled into a rebound of a mess for 2021. *Takes sip of tea*

I’ve had a pretty tough 2021. I learned a lot about myself. I learned what I wanted from my life. I learned that I was living a lifestyle that was unsustainable. Some of this I learned all on my own; some with the help of some good people. It all started with the phrase “Happy people don’t do what you’re doing.”

I’d heard similar things before, but usually said out of jealousy, sarcasm, envy and the like. But this time it was different. Probably because it was coming from someone I respected, trusted and was very smart. I didn’t say much in the moment, but that set several reflections in motion for the months to come. The months following were full of deep thought, tears, fear, stress, and several other emotions. All this had everything to do with me and my marriage…was it still right? Was I ever going to be able to get what I wanted out of that relationship? Did I even know how to articulate what I needed or had I been doing that wrong for years?

Fast forward a bit and I decided I needed to talk to someone. Someone without bias that could give me a truly objective opinion. So I sought out a therapist – which if you haven’t ever had a therapist, now that I have one, I’d highly recommend it. After a couple of discussions and homework assignments, I realized that I needed to take control of my life. A life that had been spiraling out of control for the last few years if we’re being totally honest. After several discussions with my therapist and others in my support system, I knew it was time to make a change. A change for myself – and my own life. I needed to ask for a divorce from the man I’d spent the last 15 years of my life with.

What’s funny is that going into all of this, I was most concerned with his feelings and how he would react to such a request. My main concern was to not inflict pain or hurt on him, without really thinking too much about the pain I’d inflict on myself as a result. It’s not a contest, but I’d say that I wound up more hurt in all of this – but that’s just because I do my best to live out my life like a Hallmark movie, so that’s totally my bad.

It’s probably the ‘planner’ in me, but I knew if I was going to make this change, I needed to do it soon before I had a total meltdown. I didn’t want to roll into the holiday season where families eagerly await their loved ones to show up at their door to celebrate their love for each other. I wasn’t sure when I was going to do it, but after going to a wedding, that’s all I needed. By the way, if you’re ever unsure of the fate of your relationship, go to a wedding and just see how you feel after. Things are pretty clear when you do something like that.

The weekend following the wedding, I sat down with my husband and told him how I’d felt and even still had a difficult time uttering the words to end the relationship. He had to say them for me, asking if that’s what I wanted. I cried. Hard. It hurt so much. It’s really difficult to share your honest feelings when you’ve suppressed them for so long, especially with someone you love.

After the conversation, I got up and left the room to pack a bag. While packing, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Pale as a dead man is how I’d describe my appearance. I don’t think I have ever looked worse in my life – and that’s not an exaggeration at all. Once packed, I walked around the house like a zombie until I left the house. I looked in the living room to see what he was doing. He was on Facebook. Fucking Facebook. Whatever.

A couple days later we sat down again to talk. It was a very calm and civil conversation, we were really good at those honestly. That’s when we decided to go our separate ways in the most fair and respectful way possible. The split was fair and pretty smooth, all things considered. The divorce was final within a month and a half of the first conversation and the house was sold at the same time. He’s now living in a duplex in Kansas and I’m in an apartment about 10 miles south of where we lived. I’m in a new city I’ve never lived in, nor spent much time at all in, so that’s a new experience for sure. I’ll get used to it soon enough but getting my own apartment in order has been a greater challenge than I imagined. I was used to someone taking care of me for the last 15 years. So doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, decorating…I wasn’t quite prepared for that. But I’ve done it…well not totally done yet, but am doing it I should say. Still need a couple of pieces of furniture then I can really dig in to wall art and other decor to make this place my own, fully.

Aside from being an emotional human, you may be wondering why I decided to write tonight. I got two cards in the mail today: one from my brother and one from my cousin; both letting me know that they are thinking of me and love me, which brought me to tears. Perhaps because I was caught off guard in thinking they were going to be Christmas cards, or perhaps the fact that they took the time to get a card, write in it, and mail it. In 2021 that’s not something that happens every day.

I do have some good things happening in my life, but I’ll save that for another time.

I know I haven’t written in quite a while. I was just texting a friend and was explaining why I thought that was – my mom’s cancer diagnosis then shortly after her last treatment in January, COVID happened. What a year it’s been.

Something else I was just thinking as I texted that friend was – nothing replaces family. I’ve learned that the hard way this past year. Also realizing that I’ve taken my amazing family for granted unintentionally.

Days after my last blog entry, my godfather/uncle died. Uncle Joe. It wasn’t COVID we don’t think, but he quite literally dropped dead one morning as he was getting ready for work. Joe was like me – said what he thought (ok probably more than I do lol) was always running late to wherever he was supposed to be, and could make anyone laugh – even though it may be at your expense!

Something strangers wouldn’t know about Joe is what a heart of gold he had. He was such a good person and would do anything for you. He was also compassionate and believed that everyone was special and important. His baby sister, Sue, had downs syndrome. He never treated her differently, which I know aggravated her lol. Everyone always catered to Sue and would make sure she was always happy and taken care of. Joe on the other hand would be like “Sue, go get it yourself” or “Are your legs broken? Did you even work today? I’m tired – why don’t you go get us a couple of beers”. For a long time I was like, ‘why is he so mean to her?’ but then I realized that’s how he showed that he loved her.

For a long time I was intimidated by Joe. He was a country boy, through and through. Hearing his stories of the fights he got into as a kid made me think, I don’t ever wanna cross him lol. So, I never came out to him or talked about my sexuality. Of course he and the rest of the family figured it out once I told my parents and brought boyfriends to holiday gatherings. Here was the shocker: aside from my parents, siblings and their spouses, Joe and his wife Sandi were the only ones that attended my wedding reception. It was planned to be a small wedding reception anyway, so didn’t expect the almost 100 family members to show up, but I did want my aunts and uncles there…but others didn’t show, and even said some very hurtful things in declining the invite which made me realize how unaccepting they were at probably the worst time to tell me that. Side note: don’t tell your nephew that you’ve been praying for me and that you wouldn’t be attending because you don’t agree with my “lifestyle”. At least if you do tell him that, give him a clue of where you stand before he gets married. There are tons of other times to bring that shit up.

So, the point of rambling about my wedding reception and Joe’s attendance is – he was so open-minded. He didn’t care that I was gay and was actually being supportive by showing up. Of course the day of the reception was crazy and I didn’t have time to really reflect on that at the time. My dad told me later how cool it was that Joe came, going on and on about how much Joe loved me and how he wasn’t judgmental. That really stuck with me. Sometimes you just have to have someone tell you the obvious when you don’t see it for yourself, you know?

So, back to April 2020. Joe had passed away. I didn’t attend the funeral because we stilll knew so little about COVID and I couldn’t bare the thought of potentially getting someone sick if I was asymptomatic…especially my own mother. I stayed home and mourned via a Zoom funeral which was just brutal.

In June, my siblings (with approval of my parents) said “screw this” and got together for a week with my parents at their house in Oklahoma. Luckily, no one got sick and that all ended well. It was great to see family and be able to hug my parents. I won’t forget when I saw my dad, I hugged him and he thanked me for coming, and started to cry. My dad is an emotional person, but not that emotional. I was just as happy to see him, but it goes to show how hard the pandemic had been on all of us over the course of just 3 months. That was the last time I got to hug my mom, dad, or any of my family. June 2020.

We didn’t have a family Thanksgiving, Christmas, or annual tradition of celebrating my brothers’ January birthdays that while years apart, are only a day apart on the calendar. Everything has been Zoom.

Then late January my aunt Sue died. I cried out of mourning, then cried out of anger. In that moment I realized I’d never ‘angry cried’ before. A good friend told me I was lucky for that. No one should have to lose a loved one during a pandemic like this. It isn’t fair. That is a time when families should be together, love on each other and support each other. I said “screw COVID” and went to the funeral, masked up with hand sanitizer in tow. My family has several nurses and so it was a definitely a COVID-safe funeral. Assigned seating at the church with masks, no hugging as hard as it was, no after service gathering. I was able to visit Joe’s grave after Sue’s burial so that was good but made grieving that day a little harder at the end.

The vaccine has finally started to become available to the rest of the country, not just health care workers. My parents and husband are both fully vaccinated and I get my second shot on March 22! I’m going home to see my parents on March 20 and I cannot wait. I miss them so much and cannot wait to hug and kiss them again. My brother, sister-in-law and nephew live 40 min away and see them often so they will join us too. I’m absolutely thrilled!

It’s finally the start to a new normal. I never in my life would have thought this is how 2020 and the start of 2021 would go, but am thankful to be turning a corner.